The Beginning
by broken-reverie
Summary: The story where Sirius and Remus got together, the story where it all began. [warning: boy/boy slash] [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]


**The Beginning**

The story where Sirius and Remus got together, the story where it all began. [warning: boy/boy slash] [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]

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><p>Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I only dare lay claim on my imagination.<p>

**A/N**: Thanks to seekerstone for your amazing plot request, and good luck to in-dreams-maybe for your exams :)

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><p><em>How frail the human heart must be - a throbbing pulse, a trembling thing - a fragile instrument of crystal which can either weep, or sing.<em>

_- Sylvia Plath_

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><p>Remus Lupin did not understand. He did not understand why his spirits seemed to lift every time Sirius was near him. He did not understand why he felt especially sad when Sirius was in one of his moods, and he couldn't figure out what was wrong - because all he wanted to do was to give him a great big hug and make it all better. He did not understand why he was incredibly tetchy when Sirius was with one of his girlfriends, when he obviously did not mind James with his. He did not understand why he'd taken to staring at - no, observing - Sirius.<p>

He was doing just that now - observing, that is. The Marauders were sitting at their usual spot beside the fireplace in the common room, Remus actually trying to get some work done while James and Sirius multi-tasked between their girls and their potions essays.

Except, Remus wasn't getting any work done. He was confused - he didn't know what to think. He felt like he had a thousand-pieces puzzle in his head, but didn't have any idea what the end product was supposed to look like. He was pretty certain he had all the factors and circumstances floating about his head, yet somehow - no matter how hard he tried - he just couldn't seem to piece them all together. It was like he had all pieces of the puzzle, but no board on which to build and secure it.

Somewhere along the way, he had stopped working on his potions essay, his mind too cluttered to focus on anything. For some reason unknown to him, he had found himself gazing at Sirius - his boyish features as they pulled into a face of annoyance at this moment. His perfect olive-shaped eyes, his high-bridged nose, his high cheekbones. There was something alluring about Sirius' aristocratic features, something about how he blinks his eyes and how his lashes glint against the light, how he moved his mouth, something about it that even in his mask of irritation, was strangely attractive.

_Wait, what? Did I just say Sirius was attractive?_ Remus mentally tripped himself and shook his head, ridding his head of all inappropriate thoughts - but all in vain.

But really, was it all that inappropriate to find your best mate attractive? _Maybe, yes, perhaps _- yet he still couldn't tear his eyes away from him. He felt that maybe if he stared long enough, he would be able to solve the mystery of Sirius Black.

He watched Sirius as he tried to concentrate on his essay, half-heartedly squabbling with Bethany, who was his most recent fling. There was something about her that Remus distinctly didn't like - it wasn't as if she had annoying habits that Remus couldn't stand, notwithstanding her unpalatable habit of sticking to Sirius and demanding "alone time" away from the Marauders. Apart from that, there was this innate dislike and repulsion towards her that Remus couldn't really find grounds for.

"Hrrmph, I need a break. Honestly, I don't get why Slughorn wants to read essays on lab safety for each of the different types of potion brewing." Sirius stood up from his seat, stretching out his stiffness from sitting too long. Remus found himself wondering how the hell Sirius managed to stay so lean and tall despite eating so much food every meal.

"It's your fault, you know," Peter spoke indignantly, "we wouldn't have needed to write this if it wasn't for your stupid lab prank."

"Oh, come on. Did you see Snivellus with his pink, straight hair? It was totally -"

"Sirius, let's go somewhere else." Bethany not-so-discreetly requested, rudely interrupting James. Sirius gave her a huff of exasperation before being dragged out of the common room.

"Seriously, does that girl know no manners?" James gave a face akin to tasting dragon dung. At least now Remus knew he wasn't the only one who disliked Bethany.

"I don't know James, why does Sirius still hang out with her if he's annoyed with her all the time?" Remus was biting his quill, carrying the conversation mechanically while his mind wondered to where Sirius was with Bethany. _Probably somewhere having their own wicked way._ With that thought, Remus scrunched up his face and gave a little shiver, spitting out air as if to remove bad taste.

"What was that face for, Remus?"

"What? Oh nothing, I just don't like the idea of Sirius and Bethany together."

James excitedly moved onto the recently vacated seat opposite Remus. "Is this jealousy I smell?" He wagged his eyebrows at Remus, causing him to go red with embarrassment.

"What, no! Why would I be jealous of my best mate?" Remus spluttered, refusing to acknowledge any grain of truth in James' words.

"Peter, could you go down to the kitchen to get some snacks?" James suddenly turned serious, his arms across his chest, resting on the table.

"Remus, tell me honestly," James turned to check that Valerie was busy not paying attention, and lowered his voice. "Are you gay?"

"What? What made you think so? Of course not!" If Remus was blushing before, he turned an even more amazing shade of puce.

"Why, because I've noticed you staring at him for inordinate periods of time."

"And why were you noticing me?"

"Because you are about as sneaky as a fire-breathing dragon? But seriously, do you like him?"

Remus was just about to vehemently oppose the idea of himself liking the untidy git, but the rational side of him shouted at him to calm down and think. Was it really possible that he was gay? Was it really possible that he'd fallen for his best mate?

"I don't know James. I haven't figured anything out yet. Give me some time, okay? But if you mention this to Sirius I swear I will kill you."

"Hey, no need to get physical, Moony, I won't tell, and take your time."

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><p>Sirius Black did not know what was going on. As in, he knew what was going on around him, but he couldn't figure out what was going on inside of him. Take now, for instance, he knew he was tucked inside a nice little alcove snogging Bethany. However, his mind was not fully present. Was snogging supposed to be so wet and sloppy and disgusting? If so, Sirius decided that he hated it. Where was the feeling of fireworks and eternal happiness that James had always talk about? There was none of those in Sirius' version of snogs, only extreme awkwardness and clumsiness between two mouths. Besides, Bethany had a bit of a bad breath.<p>

Suddenly, Bethany seemed to close in on him, trapping him against the wall. She moved herself closer to him, if that was even possible. She pressed her face against his, her mouth and tongue working rapidly on Sirius'.

_Damn, I should've paid more attention before I got trapped._

He hated this. Why? He didn't know. Wasn't snogging supposed to be fun? Well, it was supposed to be for all hormonal teenagers. Unless he wasn't a normal hormonal teenager - either that or he was just a really bad kisser.

"Stop, Bethany." Sirius couldn't take it any longer, he felt as if he was being suffocated by bad breath and bad kissing such that he was going to throw up in disgust.

"What's wrong, baby?" Bethany moaned, her mouth still relentless on Sirius, though she'd lost some steam.

"Stop. Honestly, I can't take it anymore." Sirius put a hand on her mouth and pushed her off him, stepping out from where he was trapped.

That seemed to push Bethany off the edge. "YOU can't take it anymore? Really, Sirius? More like I can't take it anymore, Sirius. You always want to spend time with the Marauders. It's always Remus this, James that. What about me, Sirius? You always don't seem like you want to spend time with me, or even snog, for that matter."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. He wasn't even irritated anymore, just amused, and still very confused. "Well, I'm sorry you feel this way. I don't think this is working out."

"WHAT! Are you breaking up with me, Sirius Black? You don't get to, Black, because I break up with you first." Her eyes glowered with menace as she glared at Sirius, stalking off towards the common room, but not without shoving him out of the way first.

_Really, were all girls so emotionally troubled?_

Heaving a great sigh of relief, Sirius slowly made his way out to the Great Lake. He desperately needed some air to think.

What was wrong? Sirius didn't know. Was there actually something that was wrong? Sirius honestly didn't know that, too. Bethany was his third girl he'd gone through this month already, but he just couldn't seem to find pleasure in dating. Why did books make it seem like so much fun? He felt it was a bother, listening to the girls' nonsense, giving in to their (at times) irrational demands - plus the snogs were much worse than he thought.

"Aurgh!" He let out a groan of frustration, anxiety and discomfort bubbled inside his chest and stomach as he contemplated the problem.

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><p>The full moon hung high in the sky, shining bright and proud. It illuminated the clouds around it, likes wisps of smoke surrounding the moon, giving it an air of grandeur and mystique. Remus would've found it beautiful if not for the curse of his infliction.<p>

He could feel the transformation coming along in his bones, and after a few violent, reflexive twitches, Remus let out a howl-like scream as his bones elongated, stretching his skin and muscles. _Pain, pain, pain,_ was the last thing he thought of before the wolf took over.

When James, Sirius and Peter had gotten to Moony, the wolf already had big gashes on its front, long, red angry lines spilt blood as the wolf relentlessly tore at itself, Remus' daytime frustration showing though wolf's the feral rips from its own bloodstained claws.

The stag, being the largest among the three animagi, stepped forward towards the wolf, extending an invitation to play. It did successfully distract the wolf, and the violent onslaught of attack transferred from the wolf to the stag.

James tried to hold his own against the wolf, but the wild slashing of claws were almost impossible to avoid. The stag butted its antlers towards the wolf, taking on a charging stance, yet the wolf easily over-powered it, pushing it to the ground, effectively trapping it.

In a swift motion, the dog advanced onto the wolf's side, knocking it over with its momentum. The wolf let out a deep growl, baring its teeth. It would not bear for anything to stop it. It leapt up again, arranging its limbs in a stance ready to attack.

The two canines stepped back into a low crouch and appraised each other, both poised and ready to pounce. Just as the wolf started to make a move, the dog let out a low growl. It came up from its crouch and stood regally, its ears turned forward, its tail raised to a level with its spine, its eyes looking straight into the wolf's. The dog demanded submission from the wolf.

Previously, when the wolf was less feral, the wolf and the dog had established that the dog was the alpha as it was able to let the wolf out of the small, cramped room to run and play. Now, however, the wolf was having none of it. It bared its teeth and let out another threatening growl.

The dog, too, refused to back down. It stepped closer, standing over the wolf's crouching form. It was a long two minutes before the wolf unwillingly stepped back into another crouch, this time with its tail tucked underneath. It turned its head away from the dog, seemingly aware that it'd gone out of line.

The dog nuzzled the wolf, prompting it to look into its eyes, as if warning him not to throw tantrums anymore.

The wolf, now with its previous frustration gone and newly submissive, hesitantly licked the dog's face, nuzzling it. As the dog gazed ahead and raised its muzzle in satisfaction, the licking and muzzling got more enthusiastic, when finally the wolf untucked his tail and started wagging it.

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><p>"Hey, Moony." Sirius approached Remus' bed in the hospital wing, glad to see him safe and away from the wolf - at least for the next four weeks. "Bad moon?"<p>

Remus gave a little groan. "Well, obviously. Pomfrey said I tore myself up pretty badly."

Absently, Sirius gave a little nod. "Yeah, you don't remember what happened?"

At that, Remus frowned, "You know I don't remember things that happen during moons. Why, what's wrong? Wait, where's James and Peter?" Remus tried to sit up, aggravating his wounds across his chest and stomach. Panic coursed through him as the worst thoughts flicked through his mind. "I did it, didn't I, I harmed them both." He grabbed Sirius' hands, closing his eyes as regret overcame him.

"Peter's in tip top condition. James has a few injuries, but he's fine. Don't worry, Moony."

"How about you? Are you fine?"

"Of course, I'm the alpha, remember?"

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><p>"Where's Sirius?" It was the morning after Remus woke up in the Hospital Wing, and the Marauders were having breakfast in the Great Hall, bar Sirius.<p>

"He said he wanted to sleep in." Came Peter's reply through a mouthful of bacon and pumpkin juice.

"Umm, okay." Remus couldn't place a finger on what was wrong, but he did feel that the whole dynamic of the group was a bit off. James was not his usual, annoying morning self and Sirius giving up food for sleep was definitely not normal. _They weren't like that before the moon, were they? _Sirius was weird in the Hospital Wing, too. Usually he would've sat on the bed and helped himself to Remus' chocolates, yet the previous day he had stood a distance away from the bed, oddly subdued as he answered Remus' questions.

"James, tell me honestly. What happened during the moon?"

"The usual, just that the wolf was more agitated this time round." Remus threw James a look of scepticism. He knew there was more to it than that.

"God, Remus, you're more perceptive than you let on. Well, after you attacked me Padfoot came to the rescue and tackled you to the ground. He didn't want to hurt you, though, so he let you off and stepped back. He stood up stared at the wolf, he was commanding you to submit, I think. Canine language isn't really my thing. It didn't work very well, at first, and I was so afraid you were going to tear him into pieces." James paused, taking a piece of toast and deliberately taking his time to put his spread.

"The main point, James?" Remus was getting frustrated. Nothing seemed out of place in James' story - so far. _So what could've triggered Sirius' strange behaviour?_

"Then you started licking and nuzzling him. It was all kind of disgusting, actually." James said this part in the most nonchalant manner he could manage, but Remus wasn't fooled.

Realisation dawned upon Remus as he understood why Sirius had acted that way in the Hospital Wing, and understood why he would want to avoid him. _Merlin, he'd practically told Sirius that he loved him in wolf language._

"Screw the wolf, screw him. I haven't even processed anything myself and the wolf just goes ahead and make advances. What kind of beast does that? The brain of that wolf is so small I feel like I could crush it between my fingers." Remus covered his face with his hands, not knowing how to react to this situation. He hated the wolf. He hated how he was completely unable to control his thoughts and himself because of it. He hated how he'd probably scared Sirius away, and Sirius probably didn't even want to be friends anymore.

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><p>Even though Remus could understand why Sirius took to avoiding him, it was still hurtful to see his friend turn in the opposite direction every time they saw each other.<p>

He wanted to run, he wanted to hide, he wanted to just break down and forget the world. But all that wasn't possible. He still had to attend school, he had to pretend everything was fine and dandy, if not for Sirius, then at least for appearance's sake.

He didn't understand why, he didn't understand how he got himself so tied up in this mess. Was he not already different enough? He knew that the Wizarding world was more forgiving towards sexuality issues than the Muggle world, but homosexuality was still not a norm. It was unfair, the way he was destined to be so different from others. How could he ever be integrated into the society if he was the only dung bomb in the field of flowers?

_Hah. A werewolf and a queer. Joke's on me, then_.

The world was a cruel one. Did it mean for him never to find love? To Remus, love had always been an elusive subject. He was sure his parents have loved him when he was younger, before The Bite. But after his mother passed away, his father had blamed him for everything - there was never a comforting word, never a proud smile. It was always a derogatory comment, always a steely glare, always unfeeling conversations done more out of obligation than from care.

It was a funny thing, love - because it had made Remus stop believing in it, and then threw him back into the throes of fire at full force. Who decided who should love whom? Remus knew that whoever it was that did it must have been having a good time laughing at his situation.

Remus never thought he would be able to love, or to actually find someone he loved who could accept him for he was, accept both him and Moony. He never thought he would fall for his best friend, one he knew who was willing to give up everything to help him, one he who knew cared about him. Although he had a hard time coming to terms with that fact, it was now difficult to convince himself otherwise. Once he'd confirm with himself that he had indeed fallen for Sirius Black, there was no going back. Like the puzzle pieces started falling into place, glued on to its board.

He knew it wasn't fair for Sirius. Sirius shouldn't have had to self-impose an exile from his friends because of him. Sirius shouldn't have to love someone as wrong as him, he shouldn't have to love a wolf. He deserved much more than the pathetic excuse of a wizard boy that was Remus Lupin.

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><p>Sirius cursed softly as he reached his dormitory. He didn't think Remus would be in there. He slowly turned away from the door, hoping against hope that he could slip away unnoticed.<p>

"Sirius." _Damn his wolf hearing._

"Oh. Hi, Remus." Sirius gave Remus an awkward smile, hoping that the boy wouldn't confront him on his avoidance.

"We need to talk." _Right_.

"Yeah. Yeah sure. What do you want to talk about, Moony?" Sirius was trying his best to keep up a jovial appearance, not betraying the awkwardness and nervousness about him. _Why am I nervous, anyway? This is my best mate._

"James told me what happened during the Moon." Remus started, his cheeks already spotting a deep blush of embarrassment. "I'm sorry I caused you so much embarrassment. The wolf didn't think. It took over my mind and I - "

"It's okay, Remus, I understand - "

"No. The wolf didn't think, it only did what I was too scared to do. It made me realise something that I was so afraid of admitting. I think - I think I love you, Sirius Black."

"Remus - " Sirius' face twisted into an incomprehensible expression, yet Remus didn't let him continue - he knew that now that he'd started, he couldn't stop.

"Sirius, I know all of this is terribly unfair for you, and I don't expect you to reciprocate my feelings in any way. Though, I hope that since we are clearing the air now, we can at least go back to being best mates again."

"Remus." Sirius took big steps forward to Remus' bed. He knelt down in front of the boy, gazing right into his eyes. Sirius saw a boy haunted by his past, tortured by his present. He saw a boy selfless enough to deny himself love for the better of his friend. He saw the strongest boy he'd ever seen. He saw a boy - as he'd just found the courage to admit - that he loved. This was Remus, his Remus.

"I'm sorry I've been avoiding you for so long, Moony. But I was scared. Scared because somewhere inside me I knew I loved you too, but I was to coward to admit. I love you, Remus Lupin." As Sirius said his last sentence, he involuntarily broke down into a sob, his face scrunching up as he released all his pent up emotions from the past week. He'd thought he'd be able to run away from loving his best friend, but now it felt so good to have let it all out.

"I'm a wolf, Sirius. I can't let you love a wolf - you deserve more." Remus closed his eyes as he let his own tears roll down his cheeks. Sirius stood up and enveloped Remus in a bear hug, squeezing away all Remus' fears about the wolf, squeezing away all his insecurities.

"It's okay, Remus. Padfoot loves Moony, too."

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><p><strong>AN**: I admit this was a bit of a struggle for me to write, but hey, at least I got it out in the end. Might rewrite certain parts, we'll see.

This isn't BETA'd (yet) so please forgive me for SPaG errors. If you'd like to help me beta this, drop me a PM/email :)

Hope you enjoyed this. Leave me a review and tell me what you think!


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